When I was a little girl, my grandmother took care of my sister and I while my parents were at work. My parents were extremely protective; and as a result, we were extremely sheltered. Summertime meant long days of staying in the house, constantly being reminded that we were not to stray beyond the gate. Although those long afternoons instilled in me qualities I cherish - a love of books, self-sufficiency, creativity, and an irreplaceable closeness to my sister - they also taught me to yearn for fall.
Fall, the season of crisp breezes and the excitement of school and life beyond the picket fence that bordered our little yard. Fall meant change, and change meant adventure. Paradoxically, adventure and change also meant fear. I am a very shy person. Although, shy is probably an understatement. I have an intense aversion to meeting new people or for any kind of social interaction with people whom I haven't known for over 10 years. This kinda puts a crimp in my social life (actually, in my whole life).
I don't like being this way. Oh, I know that lots of people are "shy" but my shyness was crippling. I was lucky, however, that one of my favorite activities was reading. Specifically, reading fantasy novels. I am of the firm belief that fantasy novels can teach you everything you need to know to be happy (I'll save the psychoanalytical implications of that for another post). So, I found the answer to my social anxiety in a common trope of fantasy novels:
Fantasy Novel Lesson #24: You've got to face your demons (literally - don't turn your back) and smack 'em down using your magical knobby stick that sprays glittery rainbow light and turns everything into teddy bears and unicorns!
Or in real world lingo: you've got to face your fears. Easier said than done. But as I've aged (to the ripe old age of 26), I've come to realize that the more you face your fears, the less scary they become. My quavering 16 year old self, vomiting her nerves out in the girl's bathroom before a three-minute class presentation could never have imagined that I would want to stand in front of 150 people a day for eight hours and talk. I could never have imagined that what I've been most afraid of in my life could be the foundation of a career that is rewarding and fun.
I still get anxious around people I don't know, but little by little I've faced and fought my fear. I'm glad that people can grow and change, even if the change takes years and comes in tiny increments. Although it's still a work in progress, improving at this is one of the things I'm proudest of.
What about you? What are you most proud of in your life? Do you think people can change? Or do you feel like it's fighting against nature? Also, what is your favorite season?
Summers of early high school were the worst! I'd be holed up at home all day by myself, watching cheesy soap operas for 8 hours straight, day after day. I remember feeling so alone and bored then. I love summer now though, it is my favorite season. Being an adult is so much easier, to me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I used to write in a journal a lot, I would spend a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to improve about myself, and I'd do it, and feel accomplished. I've reached a point now where I feel stagnant. Maybe the lack of writing has to do with it?
Now you are writing a blog! I agree, adulthood has been easier, in terms of doing what we'd like, than childhood. I don't know if it's the heat, but summer makes me feel tired and lethargic. I like when fall rolls around because I get a bee in my bonnet to do something!
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